I Have a Voice Page 15

  When working with these kinds of issues, it is important to generalize to elicit the higher positive intents of those objecting parts which are rooted in hurt. Have the PWS associate fully into the objecting part before questioning it. The more they feel the part, the easier for the unconscious mind to provide answers. It is simple to do. Just ask the person:

  “What is the purpose or intention of that part?”

  “What is it trying to do for you?”

  “What does that part want for you that is important?”

  “What would that part have to give up which is important to you in order for you to align your life with this higher intent?” This question elicits the secondary gain of the behavior. They will need to find another means of achieving that intent before the part will allow the change.

  This line of questioning will get you the higher positive intent. Just keep repeating these questions until you reach something really positive (and very abstract). Once you have found this overall mission, ask the person to find a more acceptable way to achieve it without the negative emotions. Tell the PWS to let that part know that as an adult they now have the ability to protect themselves from harm without having the negative emotion. By telling them that they now have adult resources for protection, you are in effect reframing the objecting part.

  How could my client protect herself from the fear of failure and from being hurt without stuttering? Well, when she is living in her “empowered state” (which is a powerfully religious state) she feels safe and protected and there is no fear of failure. She then needs to apply this state widely to other aspects of her life.

  8. Put into your future and install.

  Finally check that the change will hold. Ask the person to imagine themselves in the future living with the benefit of the new resources.

  “Given that you have now got rid of those inappropriate emotions, how will your life be different in the future?”

  “By leaving those old emotional evaluations in your childhood where they belong, how will it be moving into the future?”

  “Is this an appropriate way for you to move through the world?”

  “Imagine these new resources supporting you in the future. How is that for you? Do you need to make any adjustments?” Continue to add resources until the person is satisfied with their future way of being.

  Having the means for dealing with stress is of utmost importance for the PWS because for them stress is an ever-present reality. Learning to fly into a calm, with a more appropriate set of emotional responses is a significant step towards fluency.

  Chapter Six

  Techniques of Change

  Frames

  The particular meaning we make of experience comes from the way we perceive our reality. Meaning depends upon our present need and our past experience. A frame is that way of perceiving the world. For example, if you are looking for a birthday present for a friend, your perceptual frame will influence the way you shop, and relate to your knowledge of that person and your expectations of what they will like. This book has a Blocking and Stuttering frame in that it pays attention to some of the available information about this topic and ignores other topics. There is a predominant focus on a certain kind of behaviour: how the PWS responds to particular situations and people, and how to change that response.

  The frames you put around any behavior critically determine your responses. Every frame slants your interpretation of events, and will be more or less useful for achieving a particular objective. Therefore you need to develop the ability to shift frames at will as part of running your own mind and managing your own states. To change the meaning of some event or some behavior, adopt an alternative frame or mode of perception.

  Reframing – changing your mind

  Because every frame is a biased and partial perception of reality, it is always possible to change the bias and see things from a different point of view. Reframing changes the meaning of an experience. You reframe your understanding by seeing things from a different point of view. An oft-quoted example is that of the half-filled glass of water: is it half-empty or half-full? The glass of water stays the same; the frame of mind you have alters the meaning. This book could be said to be about reframing the meanings the PWS have placed around blocking and stuttering. By removing the negative associations to blocking and stuttering, the PWS finds it possible to regain fluency. Instead of responding to a situation with anxiety about their performance, they come to see this as an opportunity for expressing something important about themselves. The PWS adopts a more optimistic state of mind, putting greater trust in their body to perform well they can concentrate more on the content of what they have to say and monitor the responses they are getting from the other person.

  Whatever the behavior, it is the meaning you give it that influences your state, your emotional response, and your potentiality for taking action. In every case I have worked with or know about, the PWS invariably sees blocking as something bad to be avoided. Given that meaning, they inevitably fear blocking. The act of fearing blocking creates the blocking. To become fluent the PWS has to release the old meanings they have associated with blocking and stuttering; the challenge for them is find new meanings which will serve them. The good news is that there are many ways of doing this.

  How reframing works

  A point of view is just a point of view. However, some points of view provide interpretations of experience that enable more useful and effective interventions. There are always alternative points of view available to you; you are frequently changing your perception and understanding of the world. For example, think of how your attitude towards a famous sports star changes when they miss a vital goal, or you discover that they have been taking performance enhancing drugs, cheating on their partner, and so on. Although you know there are options, the mind cannot actually entertain two different points of view simultaneously. Remember the picture of the Old Hag/Young Woman (Figure 3.3). You see one or the other, but not both simultaneously. Only one thing at a time, even though you know it could be otherwise.

  This chapter deals with the conscious reframing of blocking. Although reframing may occur naturally, NLP offers some systematic ways of deliberately changing the meaning of experience, and thus leads to a change in behavior. One way to do that is to turn around the language someone uses. You could think:

  “What would be a more useful way of putting this?”

  “What would be the opposite of that?”

  For example, reframe the statement:

  “If I block, people will judge me as being an inadequate person.”

  by changing it to:

  “If people judge me as being inadequate if I block, that is their problem. My sense of self-worth comes from how I view myself and not from what others may or may not think of me.”

  This example of reframing changes the locus of control. You put yourself in charge rather than anyone else dictating how they think you should be.

  This is a good example of the need for updating childhood maps. The PWS can identify and then reframe those old childhood beliefs. They need to deliberately do this at first, until it becomes natural. For example, they can reframe the belief “I am a weirdo for blocking” by thinking:

  “No way! I am nothing of the kind! I learned that behavior as a child. Now that I am an adult I realize that I am far more than just a ‘behavior’. And being an adult who is constantly learning, I am in the process of conquering this behavior.”

  “No, it may have seemed to some that I was a weirdo for blocking, but if they go on thinking that, then that is their problem. They are only seeing a part of me, and they need to be more adult.”

  “I am far more than just a person with a challenging behavior. I am a kind person. I am a loving person. I am resourceful and caring. I am in charge of my life.”

  Changing meaning by reframing

  NLP describes two basic ways to reframe meaning: Context Reframing and Content Reframing.

  Context
reframing asks: “Where would this be really useful and valuable?” to find alternative contexts in which the experience could be useful. An example of context reframing would be: “Where could this fear that I have around blocking be useful?” “I sure don’t need that kind of fear when speaking, but if I am in physical danger of losing my life, that fear could save me.”

  You might be wondering in which contexts stuttering would be useful. Well, there are some comedians (Michael Palin in the movie, A Fish Called Wanda; Ronnie Barker in the UK sitcom Open All Hours) who have created comedic characters who stutter – though you probably have your own views on whether it is OK to poke fun at stuttering. It is conceivable that stuttering could be a way of buying time to think or delay making a decision. Actually, context reframing is not the one to concentrate on.

  Content reframing asks: “What else could thismean?” to find other meanings for the experience or behavior (the three examples above are content reframes). So that while everything remains objectively the same, the meaning of the behavior is interpreted from another point of view and this then offers an alternative strategy for intervening to change things. For example, the behavior of stuttering or blocking could mean:

  “I’m just giving myself time to think.”

  “I just love certain sounds so much that I repeat them to myself.”

  “I like to keep my audience in suspense so that they pay more attention.”

  Content reframing changes the belief “If I block, I am weak” to “If I block, that is an opportunity for finding out more about myself and to test my strength and ability to change.” You alter your response to your perception of the conditions in which stuttering used to occur (that’s another way of reframing – treat it as though it happened in the past). A content or meaning reframe is essentially saying, “Although X can mean Y, it can also mean Z, and Z is better in some way.”

  Reframing the situation

  The PWS has already had much practice in identifying the initial conditions, the triggers or cues that let them know, “It’s time to stutter.” The actual external events are going to stay the same; what changes is the way the PWS perceives them. People come to associate a particular meaning to a particular event. They create numerous simple correspondences between what happens and their responses. For example, they meet an authority figure and respond in a certain way. Their story tells them to become apprehensive, to get away, or to feel guilty. No one makes them have that response; it is something they have learned to do. By rewriting the story, they can change those limiting responses, and find new associations that serve them better. In other words, by reframing the situation their behavior changes. So how do they do this?

  If you perceive the other person as an “authority figure”, then consider that, for example:

  “Your ‘authority’ only resides in a particular area of your life. There are other areas where you see me as an authority. I am an authority figure too – on stuttering! – and many other things besides.”

  “If you are in a position of power, then you have the wisdom to know how to treat me with the respect I deserve!”

  Other people are not authority figures all of the time. Just imagine them engaging in the mundane activities which everyone does when they are “off-duty”: putting out the garbage, shopping in the supermarket, sitting on the toilet. You are only limited by your imagination.

  Alternatively, you could stand back from the whole situation, and observe what is going on. From this witness position you might conclude that:

  the stuttering is a message that you have not yet got your ideas sorted, that you’re paying attention to the wrong end of the communication loop; that the way you present yourself, in terms of posture (where you’re looking, how you are standing, breathing, and so on) and your manner of speaking (your voice tonality needs to vary much more, to be brighter …) could do with a makeover.

  stuttering is a great way of dominating a conversation. The longer you stutter the more you are the one in control. This changes the value of the PWS’s commonly perceived lowly status.

  Those reframes address the initial conditions. Consider your responses:

  “What would need to happen to make the stuttering response boring, trivial, or unworthy of your attention?”

  “What would happen if you absolutely did not care if you blocked and stuttered?”

  The response usually is something like this, “Well, I wouldn’t stutter.” This question simply asks the person to change the meaning of blocking as something bad, feared and to be avoided to something not all that significant. We can say this with certainty – those who overcome blocking cease giving so much negative meanings to those times when they do block or even stumbling with words a little bit. Everyone has those times of stumbling.

  Working with reframes can be great fun as well as therapeutic! Most jokes are reframes; the PWS ought to be rolling around on the floor if you do this exercise thoroughly!

  Ask the PWS to come up with as many meaning reframes as possible: “What else could this mean that would be useful?” Asking the PWS to use their imagination to find positive reframes usually works better than the clinician providing them. They already have the imagination; they just need to direct it differently. In this way the PWS takes responsibility for their own cure. The presupposition is that the person has the answers to their own healing within their existing resources, and that by bringing them into the foreground they are already on the path to success.

  Reclaiming your power: Case Study 6

  The following is a transcript of a session with Sally (see Chapter Two) who was experiencing the feeling of great tightness around her throat when speaking to other people. This tightness was especially strong when she was in a social situation.

  “So, Sally, when you are in a social situation, you really feel tightness around your throat?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what does the tightness mean to you?”

  “Terror!”

  “So, behind the tightness is terror?”

  “Yes. Oh, yes. I am terrified of speaking to other people. Whenever I am in a social situation and even think of speaking, I become terrified.”

  “Does speaking to other people have any other meanings to you?”

  “I want to remain invisible. I don’t want anyone to see me.”

  “What are you terrified of, Sally?”

  “I am afraid I will stutter.”

  “So when you speak to other people you become terrified that you will stutter and you want to be invisible? What is there about speaking to other people that causes you to choose to be terrified of stuttering and want to be invisible?”

  “Everyone will be uncomfortable. They will not want to talk to me. They may not like me.”

  “Oh, I see. So you are afraid that the other people will become uncomfortable with your stuttering and because of their being uncomfortable, they will not want to talk to you?”

  “Yes, that is correct.”

  “Tell me, how do you know that they may not like you?”

  “Stuttering sounds bad. Everybody knows that. And people judge you by how you look and how you talk?”

  “Oh, they do? Everyone judges you by how you look and how you talk?”

  “Of course. Sure they do.”

  “Have you asked them? How many people have told you that in the last few years?”

  “Well, I haven’t asked everyone, but everybody knows you are judged by how you look and how you talk.” (Sally was adamant about holding onto that belief of other people judging her primarily by how she talked.)

  “Sally, how come you want to be invisible? How long have you wanted to be invisible?”

  “I have wanted to be invisible ever since I was a little girl.”

  “What was that about? How come you wanted to be invisible as a little girl?”

  “As a little girl, I was afraid to open my mouth or mother would get mad. She was always critical of me. She never complimented me. Mot
her was a witch. She looked like a witch. I can see her face now.”

  “You were afraid to speak or your mother would get mad? She even looked like a witch?”

  “Yes, I can see her face now.”

  “What do you feel when you see your mother’s face?”

  “I feel that tightening around my throat. It is like a rope choking me.”

  “So you were afraid to speak up in your home and you wanted to be invisible?

  “Yes, mom and dad fought all the time. I remember momma with a knife trying to kill dad. They were running around and dad begged her to put the knife away. I was afraid momma would kill me. I wanted to be invisible.”